RABBI DONIEL FRANK | Director, M.A.P. Seminars, Inc., Marriage and Family Therapist

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It’s hard to validate or empathize with people when they act in ways that we’re convinced are wrong. We’re afraid of giving them the impression that we agree with them, and that we support what they’re doing. For example, as parents, we insist that if a child is speaking with chutzpah, we have to take a firm stand against it, and that if we show any understanding toward them, it’ll embolden them and undermine our authority.

But is this true? What is the right thing to do?

Hashem tells Moshe to avenge the people against Midian with the explicit message that “he will afterwards be brought in to his people.†In other words, this was to be Moshe’s final mission.

Why was this a fitting finale for Moshe’s life?

Back in the book of Beraishis, when Leah was having child after child and Rochel was getting frustrated, Rochel spoke harsh words to Yaakov for not having fathered any children with her. And Yaakov responded – not kindly, but in kind. But while both spoke strong words to each other, the midrash only takes Yaakov to task. Why? Didn’t Rochel deserve to be put into her place?

Chazal say that “a person should not be taken to task for what he does or says when he’s in pain.†(Bava Basra, 16b). That’s because when people are in pain, they become disoriented and they can say and do things that don’t reflect their true intentions. So we cannot take their words and reactions at face value. Instead, our first response is to get to the hurt behind the behavior. Although Rochel did speak inappropriately, she was clearly in pain, and it was Yaakov’s responsibility to empathize with her emotions rather to rebuke her behavior.

At the incident at the “Rock,†when the Jews complained bitterly for water, they were physically anguished. Moshe’s response, “listen rebels,†addressed their words but not their pain. To the delicate degree to which Hashem holds great people accountable, this response too, as it was with Yaakov, showed a deficit in empathy that needed correction.

According to Ksav Sofer, Moshe’s opportunity for redemption came after Midian caused the deaths of many Jews. In his final act, Moshe was given the chance to take venegeance for his people, which would restore his empathic connection to them before passing on.

From all of this it’s clear that empathizing is not an act of collusion. We can strongly disagree with what someone is doing – like how the Jews and Rochel spoke – while relating to the emotions out of which those words were coming from.

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The concept that we don’t take a person to task while he’s in pain is not limited to fleeting and momentary pain. Rochel struggled for a long time, and Yaakov had to be there throughout it all. And this is particularly important for parents and educators of teenagers to realize. The entire stage of adolescence can be disorienting. Teenagers can say and do things that are outright unacceptable. But rather than see it all as manifestations of disrespect, we need to see the underlying frustrations, pain, and insecurities that are behind those behavios. As parents, we need to empathize with the struggle without being afraid that it will embolden them. We cannot be afraid to make that our first and most emphatic response.

DEDICATED TO A REFUAH SHELAIMA FOR YITZCHAK ben DEVORAH

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