RABBI DONIEL FRANK | Director, M.A.P. Seminars, Inc., Marriage and Family Therapist

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When Moshe realizes that the end of his leadership is drawing near, he asks Hashem to choose a replacement who, as Rashi explains it, is able to “tolerate each person according to his personality.†What exactly does that mean?

When we think back on Moshe’s experience as a leader, and all the revolts that he had faced, it makes sense to say that his concern was that the next leader be able to withstand those kinds of challenges… maybe even better than he did. After all, his downfall, and the reason why his leadership was being cut short, was because of his reaction at the rebellion at the rock.

And this explanation fits well with the word that Rashi uses – tolerate – which is usually the ability to put up with difficult and even defiant behavior. And, as we said, Moshe was no stranger to difficult and defiant behavior.

But the first words of Rashi don’t seem to set it up that way. The full quote is:

“Moshe said before Hashem: ‘Master of the Universe. The personality (da’as) of each individual is revealed before You, and they do not resemble each other. Appoint a leader who can tolerate each individual according to his personality.â€

If Moshe meant that the leader should be able to tolerate the rabble rousers, why would Rashi first lay down the concept that each person has a unique personality? It sounds as though he’s saying that Moshe wanted the leader to be able to tolerate everyone. In other words, this future leader would recognize that every person has his own personality, and because he could tolerate that, he wouldn’t lead them as though they were a faceless mass, but as a diversified and differentiated people.

That’s great. But why the word tolerate? Doesn’t that imply the ability to bear something that is unpleasant? If so, and if we are speaking of accepting uniqueness rather than disobedience, the righteous as well as the rest, is tolerance the right trait? Shouldn’t Moshe have asked for somone who could respect, recognize, or embrace differences?

Well, maybe he did. And what we see is that making room for someone else’s differences – whether in how they think, feel or act – can sometimes be very burdensome. It takes tolerance.

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In fact, Koheles Rabbah (3:24) describes the commitment to marriage as accepting a yoke. I believe the yoke of marriage refers, specifically, to the yoke of accepting and tolerating differences. Because that’s what marriage is. And since we’re not naturally wired to think the way others do, it’s very difficult for us to step outside of our personal paradigms and see the world from someone else’s vantage point. It can feel as heavy as a yoke, carrying someone else’s reality, that requires tolerance. And that tolerance is the basis and the greatest challenge of all functional relationships.

This kind of tolerance is especially important for people in positions of authority, such as parents, teachers, and community leaders. Rigid, one-size-fits-all approaches to life stifles personalities and can cause all kinds of damage. Moshe was concerned about that. He wanted people to flourish, actualize, and be natural. And for that, he put in a heartfelt request that he be succeeded by a leader who could offer tolerance for all.

DEDICATED TO A REFUAH SHELAIMA FOR YITZCHAK ben DEVORAH