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We’re wrapping up the Mindful Communication Series today with a discussion of how to apply NVC to listening. Recall, NVC stands for Non-Violent Communication - a name its creator didn’t like very much. He said he’d prefer a name that describes what the method is instead of what it is not, but the name has stuck.
Last week, we applied NVC to speaking. If you missed it, just go to mindful15.com/nvc.
Let’s begin with a little review of NVC. When we are not in touch with our own needs and feelings, they can get all tangled up and confused resulting in communication that is unclear and ineffective. NVC is a practice that helps you tune in to your needs and feelings and detangle them. It helps you bring mindfulness to your speech. Once you’re clear on what you need and how you feel about that, you can effectively express your needs in an open, honest way.
When listening, NVC coaches you to remember the speaker may not be able to clearly express themselves, because they, too, confuse feelings and needs. They cannot clearly express what they don’t notice about themselves. So, when you listen you need to be a bit of a detective. Search for the four elements of NVC in what you’re hearing and, if you don’t hear them, ask for more information or clarification. NVC’s founder, Marshall Rosenberg calls this empathic listening, because you’re attempting to apply empathy so you can truly understand the speaker.
Recall, the four elements of NVC are:

An objective account of what the speaker observed. Remember, when we report observations, we tend to exaggerate or apply judgment. As a listener, you can ask questions to clarify what the speaker actually observed instead of their opinions about what they observed. In a few minutes, I’ll give you some tips on asking questions effectively.
What the speaker feels about what they’ve observed. This may come through in words, tone of voice, or body language. It can be easy to misunderstand someone’s feelings, though, so it can be helpful to get clarification. 
What needs the speaker has that caused them to feel the way they do. This is the element that most of us find difficult. We often speak from an emotional place before we’ve even stopped to consider what we need. Again, you can ask questions to reveal needs.
The concrete response the speaker wants. The key here is to ensure you are very clear on this point, that’s it is not vague in any way.

How to ask questions
With NVC, you need to be an active listener. You need to ensure that you fully understand the speaker’s observations, feelings, needs, and requests. You have two tools at your disposal: questioning and paraphrasing. Questions can be used to clarify what you don’t understand and to search for further information. It’s critical, though, that your questions come from a non-judgmental place. Your goal must be to empathize, to understand.
What I’m saying here is that, as you listen, you need to be mindful of your own motivations, thoughts, and feelings. There are plenty of behaviours that can disrupt mindful listening. If you listen because you want to interrogate, advise, console, educate, one-up the other person, placate them, patronize them, tell your own stories, explain, correct, or blame, you are not listening to understand. 
You know, that list is so important, I’m going to repeat it. The things you should NOT be doing while practicing empathic listening are:

Interrogating
Advising
Consoling
Educating
One-upping the other person
Placating them
patronizing them
telling your own stories
Explaining
Correcting
Blaming

Personally,