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Our focus at Mindful15 is to bring you short, practical mindfulness lessons. Each lesson includes a helpful practice exercise. Today, we launch our four-part Mindful Communication Series with a discussion of what it means to speak mindfully.
The other day, I read an article by a Buddhist practitioner lamenting the upswing in the number of people practicing secular mindfulness. He said that practicing mindfulness is not enough, that it is important to practice all the Buddhist precepts, especially compassion, because mindfulness without compassion is selfish and hollow.
I agree and I disagree. I do believe that it’s important to practice compassion along with mindfulness, but I disagree that one has to follow Buddhist precepts to accomplish this. To me compassion and mindfulness automatically go together. If you’re mindful of what you are doing and how it affects other people, you will choose to be compassionate, because it’s the only logical course of action. And, I think the practice of mindful communication illustrates this nicely.
To speak mindfully, is to be fully aware of your speech. It includes being aware of the impetus to speak, that is the thoughts, feelings, etc. that compel you to speak, but also the potential effects of your speech on both yourself and others. 
In theory, you could be mindful of being angry, for example, and then choose to speak in a way that not only expresses your anger but attempts to make the listener suffer in some way. 
But, if you’re mindful, you’d realize that speaking this way isn’t effective. It makes the listener feel bad, it makes you feel worse because it feeds your anger, and it is not likely to inspire the listener to change his behaviour, because he’s probably going to respond by defending himself. That’s common. When someone attacks us verbally, we typically react by defending ourselves instead of truly listening to what the speaker had to say.
All in all, this kind of communication is ineffective, and therefore, a mindful person would choose a different approach. That approach is a compassionate one. When you speak with understanding and kindness, even when you’re very angry, your speech is far more likely to generate the results you want. Mindfulness helps you notice your anger and choose to speak in a way that is helpful instead of hurtful. 
Please do not misunderstand. I am not saying that it is wrong to be angry. Anger is a legitimate emotion and there’s nothing wrong with experiencing it. There’s also nothing wrong with expressing your anger. But, if you are not mindful, you’re likely to react out of habit in a way that is not helpful. If you are mindful, you can choose to express yourself in a way that gets better results. No, it’s not a selfless practice, but compassion doesn’t have to be selfless. Why not behave in a way that helps all concerned?
To bring mindfulness to your speech, it’s a good idea to slow down. Especially when you’re having a difficult or emotional conversation, practice taking at least one mindful breath before you speak. A mindful breath does two things for you: 1) It can help you release emotions and relax you just a little bit, thus allowing you to respond carefully instead of react out of sheer habit, and 2) It gives you a little time in which to become aware of your own thoughts and feelings as well as to anticipate the response your next words will get. As a result, you’ll be in a better position to respond in a useful way.
To bring compassion to your speech, try following the advice of Bernard Meltzer who hosted a radio advice show called What’s Your Problem? He advised, “Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no,