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Do you remember when I talked about how your expectations about meditation can sabotage your meditation practice? That was way back in Episode 92, which you can revisit if you want to. Today, though, I’m going to explain how your expectations about stress can set you up for elevated stress levels.
I want to begin by thanking my friend, Stef Guilly, for inspiring this episode. During my last camping trip, I was reading her book, Forest Talks, and came upon a statement that made me pause and reflect. Stef wrote, “Stress is not a measurement of how much you care” (p. 148).
I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on this as I did. Can you think of a time when you got all worked up about something because you felt you had to? Where you felt it was the right reaction? Or, where you felt that there was something wrong with you if you didn’t react by being stressed? I most certainly can. 
Have you ever felt like getting upset and worried was necessary because you had to prove to others, or perhaps even to yourself, that you cared? I can. I’m also guilty of getting others worked up about something in order to make myself feel better about my own stress or to generate a sense of camaraderie. Sad, but true.
Stef’s right, though. Being stressed doesn’t mean you care more. Furthermore, being stuck in a stressed-out state can prevent you from taking measured and meaningful action to address the situation effectively.
As I was reflecting on this, I also remembered something my 82-year-old Mother once said to me. She said, “Why is everyone always stressed? We weren’t stressed.” By “we,” she meant parents of her generation. 
This, too, bears reflection. I lived with her. I know my mother was stressed. Parenthood is challenging. But parents of her generation didn’t constantly talk about being stressed, or read about the dangers of stress, or spend a lot of time and money trying to beat stress. They experienced all the challenges of parenthood, but they didn’t label them or dwell on them in the way we do now.
So, what’s wrong with talking about or thinking about stress? It depends on how you talk and think about it. If you’re constantly lamenting the stress in your life or if you see yourself locked in a battle against stress, you’re causing yourself harm. You’re putting yourself in a position where you’re fighting a losing battle, because there is always something you can stress about. If, though, you look at stress through a mindful lens, you can think about it in a healthier way.
You can learn to accept the situations in life that cause stress and this acceptance will reduce the stress. Remember, stress isn’t the negative situation itself. Stress is the way you react to that situation. If you can react in a calm, non-judgmental way, that is in a mindful way, you can respond to the situation instead of reacting to the negative emotions it generates. Also remember, accepting the negative doesn’t mean that you like it, agree with it, or allow it to continue. You simply acknowledge its presence and let go of your negative reactions to it so you can respond in a better way.
Science also shows us that our thoughts about stress influence its effects on us. There’s a fabulous TED talk by Dr. Kelly McGonigal that I share with my college students every semester. In it, she explains that stress can have harmful effects on physical and mental health when you perceive the stress to be harmful. If you perceive stress to be a helpful way for your body to prepare you to handle difficult situations, many of the harmful effects don’t manifest.