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About a year ago, I published a series on loving-kindness practice. It covered applying compassion to yourself, those you love, those you barely know, and those you dislike. If you missed it, you’ll find that series at mindful15.com/compassion.
This podcast is an extension of that series. It was inspired by a request for an episode on applying mindfulness to challenges faced by parents of children with learning disabilities. You know I’m always a little reluctant to offer parenting advice, because I’m not a parent. I also tend to avoid focusing on specific listener groups, because I want the podcast to appeal to a broad audience, so I’ve been sitting on this request for quite a while. Recently, though, I decided I could address it broadly with a lesson on how to apply loving-kindness to people we love when they’re not at their best. Whether it’s a nagging husband, a grumpy wife, a critical mother, or an intractable child, we all experience moments where the people we love make it difficult for us to be kind to them.
Sometimes, it is harder to extend goodwill to those we love than it is to offer it to strangers. You can fall into the trap of taking those you love for granted. Because you’re comfortable with them and secure in their feelings toward you, it can be easy to treat them badly. You know that, if you express anger toward them for example, they’ll still be there. They may return your anger, but they won’t run away. Their love for you makes it feel safe to treat them with less kindness and care.
Furthermore, as your relationship with someone grows over time, it’s common to fall into habitual patterns of communication and interaction. Some of these will, of course, be beneficial and others might be harmful. If you are not conscious of them, however, they go unexamined and you lose the opportunity to improve.
Mindfulness allows you to slow down and notice how you react to those around you. It makes your unconscious, automatic reactions conscious. It gives you insight into the full chain of behaviour. You can observe the other person’s actions and words, notice the feelings that arise in you in response, and become fully aware of your impulse to react. All of this awareness gives you time in which you can realize the potential negative outcomes of your reactions and choose to react in a way that’s more helpful and less harmful. 
You’ll notice I’m not coaching you to suppress reactions, to ignore the other person’s beahviour, or even to forgive them. I’m telling you that, with mindfulness, you can accept (and by that I mean acknowledge) everything happening in the present moment -- their behaviour, your feelings, your need to react -- and then decide how to react. Sometimes, you will choose to forgive. Other times, you’ll choose to express your anger, but you can express anger in a calmer, more effective way. 
And, yes, there is always the option of letting go, that is, not reacting. This isn’t always the right response, but sometimes it definitely is. In some cases, your negative reactions to others are unreasonable and you should learn to let them go. I’ll give you an example. My husband does lots of little things that irritate me. I don’t feel disloyal telling you this, because I know I do lots of little things that irritate him, too. I think this is common when you live with another person.
When my husband dries dishes, for example, he doesn’t put all of them away. He leaves some on the counter for me to put away. I’m using this example, because it’s one I’m actively working with right now.