Gorgeous George was the most prominent and important figure in wrestling’s ascent into the American zeitgeist, largely due to his gimmick. But he wasn’t the first or, most assuredly the last, wrestler to adopt a unique persona for the ring. The history of wrestling is littered with characters. Some have been wildly successful -Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, The Big Boss Man - who became household names and can illicit the most bittersweet of remembrances in vast armies of doughy diabetics, nerds, and toothless, bigoted human trash.

But others - for any number of reasons - have been all but lost to time - yellowing, bedoodled, unread appendices to the vast tome of human history. I’d like to take this opportunity to dust off a few of these inane curiosities - these brushed aside beefcakes, these dusty hulks - and re-expose them to the harsh glare of cultural recognition.

Music, lyrical

Roy Herman, The Stout Strangler

Roy Herman was a German immigrant that rose to fame on our shores in the late 19th century, mostly due to his stoutness. “Built like a whiskey jug”, he was but 3 inches taller than he was wide. Neither particularly burly or soft, he seemed to be made of hardwood, folks said, and could not be, was not ever, toppled. Rumor has it, he slept standing, as the strain of rising was too much a burden. His signature move was just a two handed, standard strangle that was often fatal. He died as he lived, strangled to death in 1907 by his own two hands, after first strangling our next grappler.

Penis length, 4 and one half inces. Penis diameter 7/8s of an inch.

“Hurtful” Lenny DeVorak

So named for his cutting and mean spirited wit. He talked such a mean game, his opponents would often just walk out of the ring, quitting the profession all together. As an example, the reported run of shit talk that got him and The Stout Strangler strangled to death: “Why, you’re more chair than man and with half the brains! Your mother was a chiffarobe, see? Your father an ape! A German ape! Imagine, ladies and gentlemen, a hairy Kraut mounting a chest of drawers! Nine months later, young master Roy comes into the world with his father’s looks and his mother’s brains! I’d soon as use you to store my pantaloons as to spar! Egad, man, I don’t know how you do it? Were I you, I’d quit this whole business and look for work as a tree stump!”

Penis length 6 and a quarter inches. Penis diameter, 1 and three fourths inches.

Muscled Dick Rockingham

Dick Rockingham had a lot of muscles for a white man in 1910. That is to say, he looked like a modern man of average build, maybe a little doughy, but who flexed a lot. He was primarily known for his catch-phrase, “I’m Muscled Dick Rockingham and I’m stronger than a very large bear!” He died in 1918 while trying to prove this claim.

Penis length 3 inches. Penis width 2 inches.

Herbert Heaver

Herbert Heaver was, obviously, a wrestling parody of President Herbert Hoover, and one of the first “character wrestlers”. There wasn’t much to the character other than the name and his signature move, The Herbert Heave-Ho.

Died in 1925 of complications during a routine eye exam.

Penis length 5 and a quarter inches. Penis Diameter three fourths of an inch.

Sad Cowboy Tony

Sad Cowboy Tony was a mystery man, a weathered, depressive relic of the old west, out of time and place in 1940s New York. No one could say who he was or where he’d come from, but he dressed in full cowboy regalia – boots, spurs, chaps, a huge belt buckle ensconced, strangely,