In the absence of a guest, I had to decide whether to skip releasing an episode this week or find a topic to discuss by myself. The truth of the matter is that I've been anxiety ridden and generally disappointed with the state of my life as of late.
Next month I'll be turning 30. Age, relative to any of its associations with vanity has never much phased me. The number or any connotations of "being old" aren't terribly frightening to me. Feeling like you've pissed away a good portion of your life, or that its trajectory is irreversible is utterly terrifying.
I feel like I had more to show for my life creatively at 20 than I do at 30. And that's a pretty saddening thought.
When pressed to examine why that might be the case, lots of reasons come to mind. In college as a theater major, the days were meant to be dedicated to creativity. As an adult, the reality of no longer having student as a means of income but instead having to pay back previous ones hit hard. Time is spent at jobs I'm dispassionate about, feeling like both my creative energy and time are sucked dry throughout the week.
And that doesn't make drinking any less appealing. The ability to "get away" from the rat race, to connect with people out in the world. To laugh and love and find passion. Things that seem absent in my corporate life.
The fear of being alone has been present throughout my entire life. So I go out a lot. I drink a lot. Always in that context. But always a lot.
These are the maudlin thoughts that have served as the underpinnings for my neurosis both now and through the years, and luck you, you get to read AND hear about it in this week's episode!
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