Monica Hawkins endured the unimaginable… her college-bound son was murdered. She shares how God took her through this journey and never left her without hope (right after Jan Dunlap). Read her moving post below. Bold Living airs Saturdays at 11:05 AM MST on FaithTalk 1360 AM and you can find all shows on iTunes from my website. Diane Markins

A Shattered Heart: A Journey of Hope Trust and Healing

by Monica Hawkins

Though the simple words “why†and “where†in the life of someone who has never experienced a sudden trauma may provoke many emotions, those same words during the grieving process are perplexing and overwhelm the mind and heart. Most of the time during your grieving, your thought life is consumed with the questions “Why?†and “Where are You, God?†As a griever you want to make sense of this sudden tragedy, and you want answers. But no matter how you try to get answers to the questions, the answers never make sense. There lies the battle for you as a griever. You want it to make sense, but how does it make sense that someone’s life was taken in violence? It doesn’t.

For me, “Why?†was always in my heart and mind. Many of us will always struggle with “Why, God?†or “Where are You, God?†I remember being taught that you can ask God why something has happened, but to make sure you have the right motivations. A good man in the Bible named Job began to question God about why he was experiencing so much loss, but it was with the wrong motives. God pulled Job aside and said in so many words, “Let’s talk.†It wasn’t for Job to get understanding, but to put him back in remembrance of who God is. God began to ask Job some “why†and “where were you†questions that Job was not able to answer or understand.

That being said, I knew not to begin my “why†questions in my talks with God with the wrong motivation, but I desperately wanted to know why He had permitted this to happen to Donté. I wanted to understand the purpose. Sounds like a great Christian approach. But the reality was that those questions of “why†and wanting to make sense of all of this overwhelmed my heart. I began to really question God, and not always with the proper motivation. I thank God that He is full of compassion and mercy, because I didn’t really learn from Job’s example.

I would ask God, “Why now? He just turned his life around, and from the investigation, Donté was not the intended target. And why, God, didn’t You answer my prayer that night after Donté called me and I prayed for him? Why do I have to deal with this pain? God, I lived for You with all my heart. God, why my child? Most importantly, God, why didn’t You keep him like You kept the other child that night that got shot, too?†(Understand that by no means did I want the other child to die.)

I felt like Sophia in The Color Purple. She said, “All my life I had to fight.†It seemed that nothing in my life came easy for me, and now when I thought things were looking up, I had to fight again. We had been through so much in our family, and now this.

The second question that continually plagued my heart was, “Where are You, God?†As a griever, especially a born-again Christian, I really wanted to know where God was in all of this. I told God countless times, when the pain was so unbearable, “I can’t feel You there.†The inward thoughts began to consume my heart during those dark days. As I reflected back through my spiritual counseling sessions with my pastor, I began to ask myself how my heart and motivation changed. The intensity of my pain and what I knew about God became a real battle around the sixth of every month. I dreaded the sixth day of each month. That number six reminded me too much of that awful day when I lost my Donté. I began to feel hopeless, because I missed him so much. I would think on how I would never see him graduate from college or get married or grow to be a man. I felt robbed of a future with him.

I would sit many days and look at his pictures. When I would hear of things his friends were doing, I would be very sad. Those thoughts began my journey of feeling hopeless and really questioning God. When I look back in my journal, I read how I cried out to the Lord when those emotions would come. But then my questions slowly changed. I began to question God with the motivation of “Why did You do this to me?â€

The Lord would send people to comfort me, but I didn’t really want the comfort. I wanted to make sense of this tragedy. The intensity of the pain was consuming my heart. On top of all of this, I was dealing with the struggle of the physical pain from a fall that I had experienced. I found out later from my doctor that I fell because a chemical imbalance related to this trauma had weakened my legs. Listen to my interview Diane for more details.

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