Hey,

I’ve struggled with this particular podcast for a few weeks. Ostensibly this weeks podcast is about anxiety.  There many qualities of anxiety but I feel the need to juxtapose only two. First one type of anxiety is a result of a neurological abnormality.  This type of anxiety is completely foreign to me. I cannot say I really know anything about it. I don’t suffer from this kind of anxiety myself.  On the flip side there is the kind of anxiety that seems so intricately tied to what it means to be a human. Sometimes it manifests itself stronger in times of transition can give you the notion that something may indeed might be wrong. Most people I know have had this thought. Maybe something is wrong with me.  Everyone has had that thought right?

Nietzsche said, “To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”

He also said, “My genius is in my nostrils.”

Though syphilis was eating his brain.

It seems like most people learn to move past their anxiety in whatever way that is unique to themselves. The weird thing about it is that it never seems to go away. This idea is why I’ve been stuck with writing this intro.  You see these intros aren’t necessarily for the listener. Hopefully they are relatively entertaining. For me they are a reminder to slow down and inspect the moments and revelations in the discussion on the podcast. So I remember. So I learn.

I didn’t really understand my block until a couple of days ago. I was thinking about someone I used to know.  Thinking about how all I have of them now is the fading image film. But I was glad I had it. To take that away would be heartbreaking.  It occurred to me that is what death is. Or more specifically, that is how I can visualize the concept.  Losing the memory. Losing the film.

No wonder we have anxiety.

Inevitably we’ll lose the images of each other and also lose the image of ourselves.  That doesn’t seem like loss. That seems like nothing, nothing to care for, nothing to care about.  I don’t want to live forever. I don’t ever want to feel the fade of everything I hold dear either.

We have little deaths all the time. Sometimes someone is prominent in your everyday then they aren’t. They turn themselves into your film. They will be one of the smiles in the vignette that will be the flash before your eyes.  The film fades in time. Sepia tone memories of the yesterday people.

I’ve decided I want my film to last. I want my attention to be present so I can give emotional depth to my memories. Then hopefully, I’ll never feel like I’ve gone softly into the night. I’ll go holding the hearts of everyone I ever knew.