Episode 107. Hey everyone!

I just did something kinda painful.

I went back to this very large google document where I’ve been journaling and documenting my thoughts since I started my business in Jan 2021.

In August 2021, my grandpa had just died. I was super lucky to know all 4 of my grandparents for many years, but my grandpa was the last of the 4. I was deep in grief and trying to get my work life under control. (My overworking part was QUITE active during that first year of business).

I had written:

Remember that you are in this for the long haul. It isn’t a race. You MUST prioritize your health, no one else is going to do it for you. You cannot get this time back.

I then went on to create a schedule and a plan of when I was “allowed to work.” With lots of quite rules and parameters (many of which I didn’t stick to).

I wish I could go back to myself at that time and teach myself what I know now.

I now understand that parts of me were fighting with each other.

• There was a part of me that deeply understood I needed to slow down, that I needed to create time and space to grieve and heal from that loss. This part knew I deserved this, and wanted to protect me from burnout, further worsening health concerns, etc. It wanted to be proactive and for me to be well.
  
• There was also my “doing” or “overworking” part that has for so many years, coped with pain and fear by focusing on what I can control, by applying myself, creating systems, and working harder. This part is super good at “working hard now, see the gains later” (which is essentially what the online marketing world promises and I hate to admit it but I got majorly sucked in). Similar to the part above, this part is also all about being proactive and helping me “be well” in the future, because I have created a business I love that also offers me time and freedom to be with my family when I want to.
  

The problem? I didn’t see the positive intention behind the 2nd part of me (or how it was getting tricked by master marketers telling me if I “just follow these steps, I will eventually succeed!”. I had so much shame about this part of me, and yet, I couldn’t stop overworking. It didn’t feel safe.

So I tried methods to tamp down that part, putting parameters and trying to “control it.”

Spoiler alert: Control as a strategy rarely works long-term.

The reality is, both of these parts of me had great intentions for me, and both were trying to protect me.

And what was the “doing” part’s most important goal? It was trying to protect me from feelings of worthlessness. Trying to help me “achieve” enough so I would feel worthy of the love of my family.

Ironic, right? Because it often takes me away from them, both physically (because I’m off working) and emotionally (because I’m in my head, strategizing my next business move).

Anyways, all this is to say, life is feeling a whole heckuva lot better lately.

Is it perfect? Do these parts of me never get polarized and fight anymore?

Nope.

Just recently I noticed that similar polarization.

But now I have MUCH more compassion for myself, and I navigate through it all with much more ease.

And I’m actively working on those parts of me that have felt unworthy (with help), because really, that’s where the magic is.