The following article and podcast include an interview with the abusive partner of a woman in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community. At the time of this podcast, *John is working toward recovery and is not abusing/betraying his partner. While his insights are appreciated, BTR does NOT advocate for victims to stay in abusive relationships. 
One of the most frequently asked questions in the BTR community is:

Can my abusive and unfaithful partner change? 

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we believe that abusive men can change with intense and long-term sustained work toward living amends. Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery meets with *John, an abusive and unfaithful man who is now seeking to live amends and create safety and peace for his family. Read the full transcript below and listen to the BTR podcast for more.

Giving victims a glimpse into the thoughts and behaviors of an abusive man may be enlightening and helpful on their journey to safety.
The Abusive Behaviors Started Before I Met Her
Generally, abusive men have used pornography or acted-out sexually in other ways before meeting their current partners.

This is helpful to understand because it shows a pattern of entitlement and control over women's bodies - abusive behaviors and tendencies that they take into the relationship.
I Knew It Was Wrong But I Didn’t Want To Say "I Abuse Her"
Abusive and unfaithful men almost always know that their behaviors are wrong and harmful, but they are reluctant to use the word "abuse".
“I rationalized everything I was doing to her. I knew that what I was doing wasn’t right, but I would never allow myself to fully admit to what was actually happening.”

*John 
Victims can use this information to help them understand that they will probably never get the validation that they deserve from their abusive partner.

Instead, seeking safe people and support systems who will listen, validate, and compassionately hurt with you, are essential to your healing process.

Rather than continually seeking apologies and validation from the abuser, women can understand that they will most likely always rationalize, minimize, and blame her for the abuse. There is no validation from someone who will not call it what it is: abuse.
I Had To Make Sure I Was The “Victim” So I Could Rationalize My Abuse
Abusive men love to be in the "victim" role. When they are able to play the victim in the relationship, they can continue their abusive and unfaithful behaviors while making the real victim, their partner, feel badly for them (as well as making family, friends, and others feel disdain for the real victim and pity for the abuser).

* How can you recognize if your abusive partner is playing the victim?
* Does he regularly say that you are hurting his feelings?
* Does he say that you don't care about his feelings?
* When you are having a bad day, or feeling a negative emotion, does he mirror your feelings and require comfort and care?
* When you are in genuine distress does he seem "off", angry, sulky, or distant?
* After he confesses, does he require comforting and forgiveness?

Center For Peace: An Abuse Cessation Program That Works
When abusive men are truly ready to change, the hard work that is required is intense and on-going for years. BTR has partnered with Center For Peace, an abuse cessation program that specifically works with unfaithful men ...