Welcome back to Tuff Love with Rob Kandell. Jeffrey Platts is the fun and well-dressed guest today and he’s here to share what not to say on a date! Jeffrey is a men’s coach and authentic communication expert who is passionate about helping men own and express their value with women, and the world. Rob is always touched by the way Jeffrey approves of men and what they’re going through in this disapproving world.

Jeffrey and Rob have both heard a lot of complaints over the years from women who feel frustrated that guys are ambiguous when asking for a date. Instead of being upfront, they ask to ‘hang out’ or ‘get coffee’ or ‘go for a walk’. A lot of guys do this because it dilutes the fear of actually asking a woman out. If you hang out and there’s no chemistry, then it’s easy to say it wasn’t a date to begin with. Then, if there is chemistry, it’s a surprise bonus.

While it may make sense from the perspective of not wanting to be rejected, Jeffrey warns that it isn’t the optimal way to approach it. If two people are spending time together either one has to ask the question, ‘is this a date?’, something’s wrong because it hasn’t been expressly communicated. The mistake most guys make when asking women out is in not actually using the word date!

Robert and Jeffrey have a lot to share on this topic.

The reason men should be bold and courageous in asking a woman on a date, owning their desires and stating, “I want to take you on a date.”
Why the lack of commitment and willingness to be upfront about dating is part of the reason 21st Century romance is totally fucked up (see episode 71).
The value in not wasting time. When asking a woman on an ambiguous non-date, you don’t get a clear answer as to whether or not she’s interested. If you are upfront in asking for a date, and she says yes, then she has clearly expressed romantic curiosity about you. And if not, then you save yourself time and you can move on. It takes the questions out of your mind.
Why you need to lead with your desire. You can declare ‘I want to take you on a date’ and have total respect for the other person’s right to decline.
The worst case scenario: why it rarely actually happens, and if it does, the reason it likely has more to do with her than you.
The importance of reframing it as an invitation, instead of as a mandate on your existence as a man based on her response.
The role technology has played in this and the way that has impacted on dating in a generational sense.
How this ties in to personal responsibility in general for men and their ability to take ownership, go for what they want and deal with whatever cards are dealt to them.
The link between the ambiguous start and the ambiguous “ghosting” as a way to end to romantic relationships. If you’re going to have the courage to ask somebody out on a date, you also have to have the courage to know how to have that conversation when it’s not a fit.
The importance of self-compassion and authenticity. When you meet a radiant woman that you are blow away by, you get fried and freeze up, or you stumble and fumble your words. Forget about having cool lines and the James Bond intro, just say ‘hello’ and lead with your desire. How it comes across is how it comes across, don’t stress out about it.
How doing personal development work to get to a place of being ok with your emotions can help you be with them in those moments. Your breath is your friend.
The hangover of the 20th century dating games people have played that has left people jaded and cynical
Why you should curate the perspectives and environments you’re surrounded by so you can start to transcend this hangover, expand your view and start to have different conversations.
What Jeffrey recommends to his clients who lack self-confidence to help them self-empower