“Eat a salad of venus fly traps, and pineapples. And beetles. The salad that eats you back. Try to eat it first. And coral reef.” - “It’s like a Hawaiian pizza except completely monstrous, what I’m talking about.

“You do really bad things like not buying novelty stuffed tree sloths. What a terrible person.” - “I once went into a Goodwill and asked them where Goodwill was” - “We show the same men being emotionally destroyed in front of their wives and chil...

“There are probably pockets of farmers holding guns and just refusing to change their clocks.” - “I’m gonna assign names to you people as I meet you and I want you to remember my name for you rather than me remembering your stupid name.” -

“Most sensible people and well-read elephants understand this already” - “He bet that he could fit more cucumbers in his mouth than I could and I was like ‘I’m just gonna give you the $10, Gilbert’.” - “We’re here to get business done.

“I don’t think that movie’s probably popular anymore because of the retarded Michael Keaton.” - “You’re not fat yet but your attitude is.” - “My breast milk was valuable, but not my poop? This sounds like a double standard.” -

“We don’t need you to come in. We know what your nipples look like. I’ve got them memorized. They haunt my nightmares. I can no longer make love to my wife.” - “He seems like a nice enough guy who does wheelies on sport bikes.

“I did the math using common core and, from what I can tell, you owe me seven tomatoes and also four tomatoes and two tomatoes and six tomatoes.” - “The most hurtful common denominator” - “Everybody’s talking about water, and overpopulation,

“Everyone knows how to turn lemonade into pee. But can you get it back the other way?” - “When you aggregate all the harm that Lindsay Lohan has done it adds up to at least two or three murders, and I think we should try her for that.”

Bear with us for the first several minutes of this 'cast as there are some microphone difficulties, but they clear up soon enough! - “We’re engineers of the douche zeppelin and the douche pontoon... douche tanks.” - “I’m totally humble and normal,

“Everyone who you offended gets to stand in line and punch you in the balls. And if you don’t have balls by the end it, that’s your own fault. You should have thought of that.” - “I’m not asking you to get your shit together,