“I don’t know anything about Jews.” “I think they came from space. And then they built the pyramids.” - “If that guy ever fell from a tall building and essploded, someone would be like ‘Well we don’t need to harvest any more douche.

“That’s an impoitant pornt to ensaphize” - “Going back to the black people who chase us all around on sunny days” - “We turned the bank and the churches into towers of silence. It’s horrific.” - “Could one of you just learn to play the guitar in...

"This is time for swears. Like poopinanny!" - "I'm taking a Donald Dump. A big hairy dump. Big hairy sun-blasted dump. Leathery. Wrinkly. Slippery. Full and robust! Could be worse. Could be chunks. At least it's a solid BM. A bitch movement." -

"Opportunity doesn’t always knock on a door. Sometimes it yells at a window." - "Also sometimes cats sleep in that window so I'm not really sure how seriously I take that window." - "I'm sorry I don't trust anybody above 50 pounds.

“Yeah I’d rather just eat pizza. Could I do that? I hope that that’s your advice. I’m already doing that.” - “Steak, strawberries, and bacon: the three S’s”

“Excuse me! You’ve soiled my shit cloak further than I had already soiled myself. I take exception to that!” - “Within the last five years I’ve seen insane sentences come out of the internet.” - “I’m not gaining weight,

“In all my excitement for sibcasting today, a purple liquid just shot out of me. And I don’t know where it came from. Just somewhere in the middle. Belly button maybe?” - “Hey guys. I know guns, but people.” ... “No but guns.” -

“I just thought it was interesting how everyone exploded, calling her a bold-faced liar and saying there is no comparison when there clearly is a comparison because we’re all comparing it.” - “I didn’t drop out of it. I stayed normal and it went up.

“Over here the bubbles just sit on beanbag chairs and flip you off when you ask them to vote.” - “They didn’t say that the impending robot war would be so straight gangsta.” - “You can just sit there and whine and try to stop bullying by wearing ...

“I’m not a hasbian or a yestergay, I’m a nowcoholic. I live for today!” - “If I was a broccoli floret I would be ready to serve because I am steamed! To perfection!” - “You have some elementary-aged kids.