"I don’t blame jokes for being jokes I blame douchebags for taking them seriously"

"Safety aside guys, I’m gonna have to stop indicating"

"You’re throwing all of the caush into the wind"

"Speaking of red flags how about orange, unkempt flags?"

"He’s taking the cockles straight to the face!"

"History will look at Donald Trump as possibly more influential than Andy Kaufman in the trolling industry."

"You better put on a saber-proof vest"

"Jennifer Lopez definitely has a surly posse. She’s just Jenny from the C-block."

"The movie called ‘The Desolation of Smaug’ literally had everything but any desolating done by Smaug -or to Smaug, for that matter."

"It would have just been better being a dirty, comfortable blanket than a clean, shitty blanket."

"He is a ukulele… a little guitarde"

"A lot more tube-based contracting than one might have expected."

"Which one is more powerful: a blind eye or the other cheek?"

"Val Kilmer and a bunch of migettes"

"I grabbed the first words that I could find, the ones just sort of sitting out that someone had left out. They were making a sandwich. They were making a word salad."