"Cause you’re the kind of person who’s out at the intersection of Nature and Nurture in the middle of a Tuesday, buying one pack of smokes with mostly change. One of the bills was wet. Just one of them."

"You took the full wiener straight to the torso. And that is I think, medically, how they describe cancer. These days."

"I hope you’re all conjoining yourselves, ladies and conjointlemen."

"I’m gonna start callin people ‘sucralose’ because I find honey offensive. It comes out of the anii of bees. As far as I’m concerned."

"I don’t go to houses of people to watch movies about people going to bars listening to people talk. Or murdering them for that matter."

"Get your teeth together!"

"I can’t hear you! I’m operating a circular saw! And a band saw! I got two hands. Don’t be a pussy."

"Them with their ten fingers. Showoffs."

"Rather than filling old purses with turds"

"I’m trying to eat turkey - LARGE amounts of turkey - and I’m sitting here watching tumors compete."

"If I were to check the Bro Code, I don’t there’s a provision for murder."

"They shot off a good 5 or 6 nice long cocks before they were reprimanded."

"It was indecent, apparently. To go filling a classroom with cock."

"That’s why there’s not much room in America because our streets are so big because our cars are so big because our asses are so big."

"My word that’s the most prosperous taint I have ever seen!"

"There’s been a lot of thought pooped into that"

"As a matter of fact, the carpets do match the drapes. Thank you for asking!"

"Look directly into my eyes. The ones that I’ve drawn on my nipples. Look directly into them."

"The lines are blurred and trans and self-identifying"

"Speaking of inappropriate takings of things to places"

"But if I get any more cats then they’ll stop being cats and they’ll just be like furry shit tubes"

"It’s like that name is trying to convince me of itself"

"Charlie Sheen is a victim of circumstances... and whores."