"Maybe aliens, when they come down, their ballsacks will look like Balzacs"

"Check yourself before you recreate yourself"

"The spiders currently dwelling in your hair tell a different story"

"Hot buttwax talk"

"It’s the bee’s ass!"

"You there just walking about with a bulky knapsack! I'm going to stab you in the face because I'm quite certain you're a terrorist!"

"Is that racist to find that adorable? Because I find that adorable."

"And then in 20 years he’s gonna develop a plasma gun powered by flowers that will just rake entire armies into the grave. One single sunflower will power this entire machine for the whole war. It will murder millions! All thanks to this one beautiful little child who speaks French."

"A lot of people do. They believe all of the things. Indiscriminately."

"The Butch Bieber"

"Theoretically, if you put enough trash in a can and throw it down enough flights of stairs you’re gonna write a Taylor Swift song."

"We’re all sitting here worried about ISIS, what about the trees? They’re all around us."

"That's a really over-stuffed douchebag"

"I would like to promote idiots to try to befriend lions"

"If your pet can accidentally slash your throat or on purpose mount you against your will, those are both things you don’t want it to do."

"Glasses for Lions. That’s my new charity."

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