"That’s my metaphor for humanity. Just Mike Tyson wailing on his own nutsack as hard as he can."

"How do you think Genghis Khan got so far? Hilarious! What a cutup!"

"I’m actually one of the beta testers for the Starbucks vaporizer. I’m wearing it right now. I just huff Starbucks vapor all day. When I take it off my lungs hurt. So I just have to keep it on now. I just keep it on 24/7."

"I bet they’re making well-thought-out and cogent points, using proper grammar and proper respect of both their own religion and other peoples’ personal, intellectual ideas."

"I’d like a pill pizza, thank you! Ecstasy flavor."

"That wasn’t a sale mom. It was a pile of garbage and you know it! Somebody put a bunch of chairs out for the trash!"

"Take your old lady dick out and just smack life right in the face with it!"

"It’s official. Chimney ripped out of this episode."