“Welcome to Earth - Where curling is an olympic sport and wrestling is not.”

“I hate this job. Just spooning olive oil out of divots in the floor.”

“The hot ticket at this club is that you can confess to a priest while shitting”

“I am the open ocean and that hoagie sandwich is the Titanic!”

“Everybody look around! More than 50% of you will be killed by a drone, most likely.”

“If it’s any consolation, the drone will have extra violin-playing arms.”

“Isn’t the tennis court a ballroom already?”

“Excuse me, I’d like to visit the entendre.” “Is there a suite?” “Is there a suite entendre??”

“Mom, dad, is that Peter Pan drunkenly arguing with his shadow?”

“It just pinches it off, into manageable turds. I mean, could you imagine how inefficient life would be if things just kept coming out of places!?”

“Man, Fred Durst is a douchebag. What a douche-bizkit.”

“I’m not gay. But in case I am I wanna be prepared, right? There’s nothing gay about that!”

“You gonna chillax and admixture some more nonsense to English?”

“Are you kidding me? I’m so hetero I got a statue pregnant!”

“Hey, Republicans, how bad is it when science AND religion are both disagreeing with you? Facts AND dreams are both disagreeing with you.”

“It’s not 1998 anymore so what the hell are you doing with a watch?”

“I think that’s transgender of you to assume that I have a great relationship with my mom.”