“Coolness first. Excellence second. Safety third.”

“If there is a god and, like we said before, if he has a torso and intestines and a penis and everything, and like an anus... or anii, I would assume he would give himself eight, like a spider but... through the back.”

“Pornography happens to lead the cutting edge. Before art, and before science, there is pornography!”

“Sexuality, technology, fashion… and Russell Brand are all cyclical.”

“God would make us and he would give us a couple steps down. He’d be like ‘Alright I’m gonna make you in my image except I’m gonna give you this like, penis that you have no idea. It’s ridiculous. It puts the ‘dick’ in ‘ridiculous’. And instead of sweet wheels and solar panels I’m gonna give you legs and toupees.’”

“If you visit an Applebee’s and you leave with any self respect, they’ll give you your meal for free and a hundred dollar gift certificate.” “You can.” “No one’s done it. Ever”

“You think that these buildings that people built 50 years ago are super-awesome and they’re gonna be here forever. They’re as impermanent as your last bowel movement, relatively speaking.”