“I stopped giving shits two weeks ago. That is why I am speaking to you in this doctor’s office.”

“Somehow it’s in my butt and my mouth!”

“Plus you have a human skeleton jammed inside of you. Like an extra one. I realize we all already have one. We start with one, as default. Some of us adopt others, temporarily, as in this case.”

“Have your way with your health people. Take full advantage of it!”

“We have to buy smaller machines. We have to hire even smaller Asians. Do you know how fast children wear out? We have to buy so many more of them, they come in six packs!”

“Do you even lift bitch?”

“Oh, so I go and I follow your kids home from school and maybe I shit on them a little bit, and now I’m going to jail? You know you still have my lawnmower!? God, this is ridiculous! Fine, whatever, OK, fine, now I see where we stand. OK.”

“The only thing I wanna hear from you, PETA, is the crunching sounds of some lettuce and crisp chicken and possibly bacon, a little bit of dressing, inside of you, sold at a sandwich shop. A delicious pita-pocket.”