“Eat a salad of venus fly traps, and pineapples. And beetles. The salad that eats you back. Try to eat it first. And coral reef.”

“It’s like a Hawaiian pizza except completely monstrous, what I’m talking about. Instead of tomato sauce and cheese and ham and dough, there’s carnivorous plants.”

“What if you had a pet pineapple and you died and like people always tell cat owners ‘You know your cat’s going to eat you, eyeballs first?’ What if your pineapple just jumped on your crotch and started eating you. It’s like ‘What!? Where did this sentence even come from!?’”

“Do you know how much it costs to have a live-in, drug-peddling hooker? Whatever the cost of the drugs are. That’s how much. You just have to pay for the drugs. The chick just kinda shows up, and peddles. As it turns out.”

“I’m a sloth dressed up like a ‘slow’ 35 year old adult.”

“We had a choice. We could have said no to the writer’s strikes, no to reality TV, no to the Kardashians but we didn’t, and I think that was the snowball at the top of the mountain.”