“I did the math using common core and, from what I can tell, you owe me seven tomatoes and also four tomatoes and two tomatoes and six tomatoes.”

“The most hurtful common denominator”

“Everybody’s talking about water, and overpopulation, and energy; but don’t forget about carrier owls. Magical carrier owls working for printing companies... and clouds. As I understand it.”

“In golf they would be shooting for a par on the asshole.”

“I’m gonna be such a douchebag henceforth.”

“You wake up and you just kind of blink into static and then you turn into a weird playdough monster and then you turn just back into a guy who’s drooling. And then you go take a dump.”

“You can keep handstanding or breakdancing over your toilet OR you can buy the Bonertron 5000.”
Media

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