"If you really want to help Charlie Sheen, give him a cure for Charlie Sheen."

"Well my cats got immunized so that makes them a doctor, right?"

"Find a douchebag who’s gonna get murdered and then call him a ‘fuckface’ or ‘turd logger’ or something."

"Life is like your face melting... and then the more people who lick your face the faster it falls off."

"How many men or women are pregnant ladies at any time, in this country?"

"She really strapped it on and lezzed out hardcore and scissored her way all the way to Eatcrowsville."