December 2, 2021 / Mom &… Podcast Episode 47 / Guest: Amy Wolfgang of CoachWolfgang

Show Summary

Amy Wolfgang’s early career pivots help give her a unique insight into the challenges her clients face finding careers that match up with their core values and their unique talents. In today’s episode she answers our questions about how to tell the difference between your “knowing gut” telling you something important vs your “mean inner critic” trying to talk you out of taking the next step toward what you’re meant to be doing. She also helps take Susanne’s core-values exercise to the next level and gives us some assignments to get ready for the new year. 

More About Amy Wolfgang

Amy Wolfgang is a business owner, executive coach and an innovator in developing today’s leaders. Amy helps leaders to show up with more presence and confidence, reach for who they want to be and have a bigger impact on their organization and the world. Visit CoachWolfgang.com

Topics From This Episode (Complete transcript is available below… scroll to the bottom!)

• The inner critic
• Listening to your gut
• Aligning head, heart and wisdom (aka – your ‘gut’)
• Exercises to help define your core values

Connect with Amy

• Her website at CoachWolfgang.com
• LinkedIn 

Look, Listen, Learn

Amy

• Boundary Boss by Terry Cole

Missy

• Lincoln Highway – Amor Towles
• Elda MD – UV Restore

Susanne

• Jonathan Fields – Sparked & The Good Life Project

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Musical Notes

Our delightfully happy intro and outro theme music, “We Will Get Through This” is performed by Young Presidents, and used under license from Shutterstock.

Transcript* From This Episode

*Please note that this transcript is automatically generated through our editing software. Expect odd errors and misunderstood words. In fact, if you find a really funny one, send it to us, and we may feature it – and you – on our socials!

[00:00:00] Missy:

 Welcome to the mom and dot.dot podcast. I’m Missy Stevens mom and dot.dot writer, foster care advocate. And today I’m a student with a test to study for.

[00:00:36] Susanne: Oh. Okay. I need to hear more about that. And I am Susanne Kerns, mom and dot.dot writer, LGBTQ advocate. And I forgot to decide what I am today. So I’m just, I guess, super prepared today and a little bit and a little bit frazzled due to our thunder and our guest is, uh, not too far away from me, location wise.

So Amy Wolfgang is getting it too. And we are so excited to have Amy here today with us. Amy is a business owner, executive coach and innovator in developing today’s leaders. . Amy helps leaders to show up with more presence and confidence reach for who they want to be and have a bigger impact on their organization and the world.

She is a certified coach with the international coaching Federation and has a master’s degree in educational psychology from the university of Texas in Austin. Welcome Amy. We’re so happy to have you here.

[00:01:28] Amy: you. I’m so excited to be here.

[00:01:30] Susanne: Yes. And we’re, we’re very hopeful that our power sticks with us. We’re having a little bit of a storm here in Austin today.

[00:01:37] Amy: Fingers

[00:01:37] Missy: So it could be an interesting episode, could have some fun editing to do. Um, but before we get really into the nitty-gritty of what you do as a coach, can you tell us a little bit about how you got here and your career path to this point?

[00:01:50] Amy: Oh, yeah, absolutely. I started in corporate America, like many people and it was fun and I got to do a variety of jobs and at some point started to feel a little more. Hmm. I always call it the blue flu. I wouldn’t want to go into work the next day. And I needed to figure out what that was because my job was fine, but what was missing.

And I realized that every job that I had while I enjoyed it and I was good at it, it wasn’t at its core, helping people. I had jobs as a business analyst and training and development. Finally, in talent management, all things that you would think, yes. Okay. She’s helping people, but at its core, that was not, it was not it.

And so I thought, okay, I need to figure out what it is that I want to. That helps people. And that led me on my own journey to figure that out. And I realized, okay, I chose a path. I’m going to go back to school then to get my master’s degree in educational psychology, I’m going to do career counseling as it path.

 And I loved it and I thought, Ooh, I love counseling. But I also have this piece of me that’s really action focused and action oriented. And I thought, oh, oh no, what, what does that, what do I do?

And then I was introduced to coaching and I thought, oh, okay. Yes, taking the counseling. And then I got my first certification in coaching at that moment. And the university of Texas offered me a job in the business school as a coach with their business students. So I thought this is wonderful using my degree, using my business experience, using my new coaching certification.

Everything’s coming together. This is great. In six months in like, Ooh, this isn’t enough, but okay. I wanted to work with adults and I was working with young adults, but I wanted to work with adults who had some meatier career issues.

And so I thought I’m going to start a company on the side. All’s going well, I’m working at the university of Texas nights and weekends. I’m working at my business, um, little hiccup in that I launched that business the same month. I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter

[00:03:53] Susanne: Oh, yes.

[00:03:55] Amy: and it, yeah, people say, , there’s never a bad time to start a business.

And I would argue , the first trimester of your first child is not the best time to start a business, but I did. And, um, had my daughter and went on maternity leave. And then during maternity leave, I realized, oh, wait, if you’re doing a full-time job and then a business in nights and weekends, and you have a new baby , there’s not enough time.

And so, and at the same time I carried the health insurance for our family. My husband’s time was an independent contractor. So I carried a steady job with, you know, steady with health insurance. And I had to think, what am I going to do? Um, and this was my first lesson I learned from a parenting perspective was how do I tell my daughter when she’s older, she can do anything she wants. Mom was too scared. Mom, wouldn’t take the leap, but you, you can do anything you want. It felt very much out of integrity. And I, and so she’s the reason I said, okay, it’s time. It’s time to take this, this leap. And so I left a job. I loved and went into my business full-time and so my first business doing career coaching and I loved it.

And as you’re seeing a pattern, I think with me, I started working with a lot of leaders as doing career coaching. And I realized, Ooh, I was doing a lot more, , assistance on their leadership and leading their teams and how they showed up as leaders. And I thought, yes, helping leaders at that level and helping them with their shifts.

Then it has an impact on everyone that they manage and then those people manage an impact is even greater. And so it’s a bit more of my time doing leadership coaching opened a second business coaching for good focused on doing leadership coaching. Um, then we had a pandemic.

[00:05:40] Susanne: oh,

[00:05:40] Amy: if you’ve heard about it.

[00:05:41] Susanne: Yeah, it’s familiar.

[00:05:44] Amy: Yeah. And that shifted a lot of things in all our lives. And I left coaching for good at the end of 2020. And I’m back on my own in 2021 as coach Wolfgang, still doing leadership coaching programs, working with women, female entrepreneurs, female leaders. And that brings me to today. So lots and lots of transition.

I guess over the course of my whole career, But that’s it right? That’s growth, that’s growth and development change. And I live what my clients are, are doing. I guess I’m trying new things and failing sometimes and succeeding sometimes and learning all the time and shifting and changing and growing.

And, and here I am.

[00:06:25] Susanne: Yes.

[00:06:26] Missy: I really love that. It’s so aligned with our mission to help people go through the pivots and the changes and not be afraid or to be good. Afraid. There’s

[00:06:36] Susanne: pivoting at the same time. So we’re all

[00:06:39] Amy: right. I can speak to it. Right. It’s it’s it’s happening. And, you know, even when I went into career and I decided to do the career work it’s because no one told me how to manage a career. I didn’t know what to do. I just, I graduated from college. I happened to graduate during a time that the economy was fine.

So I had a couple of offers. I chose one of the things. And then it’s like, okay, good. You’re launched, but that’s just the start that’s. And so no one teaches you what to do in between. And so I thought, um, someone needs to do that. I was like, oh yeah, that’s me. And so now having led a company and grown companies and doing stuff, I done a lot of my own leadership and reflecting back on what I’m doing.

And so now I can work with people and having lived it and having lived those different choices. It just, it makes a difference

[00:07:23] Missy: yeah.

[00:07:24] Amy: experienced it. So, yeah.

[00:07:25] Susanne: so when I originally met you, you were at coaching for good. Um, so I know that you’re talking about how your did that pivot and moved into more of the professional or executive coaching. Um, I think maybe you are the first coach we have interviewed who has that particular specialty of the executive or professionals.

So could you talk a little bit about what that means and who specifically would then be looking for a coach? Like you.

[00:07:54] Amy: Yeah. I work with a lot of individuals who are, I would say director VP level, that level within their executive ranks and above, and really , what got them there. Doesn’t what got you to the point in your career where you’re at aren’t necessarily the same behaviors, and mindset that perspectives that gets you to the next level .

or What got you? There may no longer serve you. And so now you’re faced with, hold on this used to work and I used to have an impact doing this and it’s not, and now. And so again, back to, okay, so now can someone help me figure out what’s not working and how I can have a bigger impact and how can I see the blind spots that I don’t know about? Because we all have them and they’re lovely and someone needs to shine a light on them so that we can recognize them and move through them.

And so most of the people that are working with me, or something’s not right, something’s not working. I like my job. It’s just not having the impact that I want. So where’s that flashlight. And I bring the flashlight and help them through that.

[00:08:52] Susanne: Do you help them think around decisions about maybe completely changing industries or fields, or is it primarily someone who’s trying to get a lot better of what they’re currently doing?

[00:09:02] Amy: you know, a lot of my time is spent on how they’re leading. So how are they showing up as a leader and not just how are they showing up, but how. Are people experiencing them. So I always think about intent and impact. We might have the best intentions of how, you know, we’re holding this meeting or talking with one of , our direct reports and our intent is great, but how they’re experiencing that might not be so great.

And so being able to work with them on some of those, those leadership issues, and then, yeah. How do I navigate to the next level? What’s next for me, at this company or elsewhere, I have, I’ve gained all of these skills and I want to have a bigger impact in my company is not the right spot for me. So where can I go?

 , you can’t separate your career in your leadership. You can’t separate your life and your career and your leadership. All three have to be taken into account because

[00:09:48] Missy: Interesting.

[00:09:49] Amy: we don’t live in a compartments.

[00:09:51] Susanne: Yeah.

[00:09:51] Amy: We want to, we want to compartmentalize. We want to say, this is just my career.

I had so many clients were like, I’m just here to talk about my career. Not about my life, just about my career.

[00:10:00] Missy: I mean, I just find to touch my life.

[00:10:03] Amy: Um, we can’t, I mean, you can build the container, but it’s leaky. Like it’s you can’t, it’s not it’s permeable. Let’s just call it that way. So

[00:10:12] Susanne: That’s

[00:10:12] Missy: I love that. Yeah. So I don’t know if this happens a lot at the executive level, but I’m guessing it does. One of the things we talk about a lot is that inner critic. And I don’t know if it ever shuts up, no matter how much you achieve. and it kind of keeps us from doing the new things, keeps us from leading in a different way, or it keeps us from going after the new job or the volunteer activity or whatever it is.

how do you help your clients work with that voice? I mean, I don’t know that it ever goes away, but you gotta learn to deal

[00:10:44] Amy: yes. It never goes away. , so thank you for bringing that up. That inner critic. This is great. Well, we’ll be with you all. There you go, um, I’m done now.

[00:10:55] Missy: It’s a great podcast. Sorry.

[00:10:58] Amy: And over. Um, so our inner critic, right? Everyone has that voice, right. That tells you you’re not enough. Or, you shouldn’t do that.

Or who are you to be considering doing that? And it’s there and it has a biological reason, which is why it never goes away. So it is the manifestation of our safety instinct. It is there to keep us safe. And what a lovely thing like that, that is, that is wonderful.

[00:11:27] Missy: It’s just so confused about how to do its job.

[00:11:29] Amy: Right?

[00:11:29] Susanne: to be a little nicer about it.

[00:11:32] Amy: it’s not nice, right?

It is not. Yes. It’s very black and white binary. You are, you should not do that. That you are not able to do it. Right. It’s a very binary, but it’s, it’s there to keep us. And when we want to take a risk or live our purpose, right? That’s a very different, that’s not safety, right? Living, our purpose is taking a risk.

And so when you want to make a shift, play bigger change jobs, change industries that is not safe. And so your inner critic like, oh, hello. Nope, Nope. Safety department. Right. I’m coming in and I’m going to shut that down. Um, and so it is with you. And what I like to say is we just need to be able to learn to hear it, but not take direction from it.

[00:12:14] Missy: Oh, that’s a great tip because , it’s like hearing somebody you disagree with. You can hear it, but you don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have to go in the same direction they’re going. I’ve never really thought of it like that. And I love it. Like, I, I hear what you’re saying. I’ll take it under advisement, but

[00:12:34] Amy: you’re gonna make a conscious choice to do something different. .

the same way. What’s hard is it’s us. And so it’s like, oh, we must know. We must know that voice must be telling us the right thing. And we, a lot of times we don’t question it. We’re like, okay, well, yeah, I guess we’re going to shut it down.

[00:12:50] Susanne: yeah.

 We talk a lot about listening to our gut and so it’s really easy to confuse the inner critic with your gut. Like I’m supposed to be listening and being kind of intuitive about what my body is telling me and my body seems to be telling me no. So how, how do we,

[00:13:10] Missy: happening in

[00:13:10] Amy: Right.

[00:13:11] Susanne: how do we make a distinction between what is our gut that we really should be listening to versus this negative inner critic, which might be trying to be in disguise?

Like I’m your gut today? Really! Listen to me. You should do

[00:13:27] Amy: Yeah. Right. And I hear people say, it’s the voice of reason. Oh, it’s just the voice of reason. And I should go with the voice of reason. And, but, and to your point, Susanne. So my, my new LLC that I formed when I created my company is called head heart wisdom, because I do believe we need to be in alignment with our head, with our heart and with our guts.

I just didn’t want to put the word gut in my, in my LLC. So I called it wisdom, but it’s your intuition, right? Your knowing voice. And that voice is in there. And oftentimes we don’t pay attention to that voice because we hear a louder voice. And so what I’ll say is if you’re hearing the inner critic, it’s a very black and white voice.

There’s no curiosity. There’s no, let’s investigate it’s you shouldn’t do this. And, and when you hear that voice of no, don’t this isn’t for you. Who do you, who do you think you are to be doing that? There’s no room for curiosity. And so that’s a really good clue that it’s your inner critic. It’s shutting something down. Without an opening.

[00:14:25] Susanne: That makes sense. Okay. Okay. So now I’m the.

[00:14:29] Missy: So when you hear that little note, that’s when you need to go on high alert and I hear it.

[00:14:35] Amy: and all of us have different and all of us have it. I always have my clients right now do an exercise where it’s like, write all the things your inner critic says to write it down, get it out. And it’s amazing. And I’ve never had a person say, yeah, I just, there’s nothing.

There’s nothing there. I mean, I give them time and people are like, can I have a few more minutes? Like, I mean, we know, so we end back to that, Susanne. Um, we know what our inner critic says because it’s a very similar

[00:15:01] Susanne: it’s on a loop.

[00:15:02] Amy: Yeah. And sometimes it’s on a loop. And so if you can get those messages down at the inner critic says to you, then you’ll be able to recognize them even, even more quickly.

[00:15:10] Susanne: Oh, okay. So that was what I was going to ask you. Cause I’m kind of the nitty-gritty tactical, like, okay. I need an exercise to do so that sounds like a very worthwhile exercise of doing, of just writing it down because I mean, you could probably just have that list there and be like, okay, I’m thinking this is that on the list?

Yep. Okay. That’s the critics. So, um, so that would be a very worthwhile exercise. Are there any other ones that you like to have your clients to, to just. not necessarily quieted, cause it’s not gonna go away, but to be able to just live with it, then it’s the messy roommate that you need to learn to live with.

[00:15:44] Amy: it’s there. And again, what a lovely purpose it serves, but yes. Um, I do, there’s a couple more exercises. So the first one is we just have to write, you write them down because let’s make it, let’s make it apparent. We have to know what it’s saying to us. We have to, name it before we can change it.

Right. So we need to have, we ended up be aware. That’s the first step is awareness. So what is the inner critic say to you? And then once you do that, then it’s a, it’s a couple of things. Um, it is serving a purpose. It’s the safety instinct, right? So you can ask your inner critic, what harm are you trying to keep me safe from?

[00:16:17] Missy: Mm.

[00:16:18] Amy: And when you look at some of those messages, they say, there, there are some things of like, Ooh, I’m trying to save you from embarrassment. I’m trying to save you from, from failure. I’m trying to save you from people saying mean things about you., I’m trying to save you from those things.

And once you understand the intent of the inner critic of what the harm is, okay, that’s good. Now I can make a decision. Like, you know what thank you for say, you know, I’m going to go do a speaking engagement and the inner critics, like who are you to go out there? What kind of experience do you have? And it’s like, Hmm, what harm are you trying to protect me from?

Oh, embarrassing yourself in front of a thousand people. Okay. You know what I got. I

[00:16:59] Missy: I can survive that.

[00:17:00] Amy: Yeah. It’s not, it’s not, it’s not the end of the world. So I think that’s another great exercise is just to say, okay, what, what harm are you trying to protect me from? And just understand it.

[00:17:10] Missy: Yeah.

[00:17:10] Amy: And, and you can do that for every single one of those.

 Things that you’ve written down the inner critic says to every message can, you can answer like what harm you’re trying to protect me from. Cause it might be different way. So I think you’ll like this another way to make yourself aware of it. Um, draw a picture of it.

[00:17:27] Missy: Oh,

[00:17:29] Susanne: stick figures allowed.

[00:17:31] Amy: Anything is allowed because again, you want to bring it to your awareness and sometimes. When you for the, you know, it doesn’t have to be a wonderful drawing, but just to draw, it will help it because you want to separate it from yourself. Or some of my clients are like, it’s just me. It’s me telling myself, I shouldn’t do it.

It’s like, no, we need to separate. It’s not you. It’s the inner critic voice. And so how do we separate it from you thinking it is you and it’s draw a picture of it. Um, I, oddly enough, I had a client who said it was a rain cloud

[00:18:02] Susanne: Hmm.

[00:18:02] Amy: and she was able to draw the rain clouds. I’ve had clients draw all sorts of things.

Um, that’s their inner critic. And then they post it up somewhere in their workstation. And when they start to have those thoughts, they’re like, oh, that’s not me.

[00:18:16] Missy: that’s you?

[00:18:17] Amy: That’s the inner critic talking. And

[00:18:19] Susanne: Oh, I like that. And you know, going back to the one about what are you trying to protect me from? I think that is also a really nice way of making a distinction between your gut. That’s trying to protect you and your inner critic because there’s a big difference between, Ooh, don’t go on that stage.

That’s scary. Versus. Should, you know, if I’m thinking of like teenagers or whatever, but you’re getting in a car or something like, what are you trying to protect me from getting murdered? Like, or, or, you know, or getting in the car with someone who’s been drinking or whatever the case may be. And that is, yeah, that’s much more logical.

That’s much more big consequences than, um, than, oh, I’m afraid you might slightly embarrassed yourself, but you

[00:19:04] Amy: You might trip and fall and what will happen from that? You will get back up and you will make a joke about it. And everyone will say, oh, thank goodness that wasn’t me. And they will connect to you in the most wonderful way. And you will carry on and deliver your message. And people will not forget it versus yes.

A dangerous situation where hold on, my gut is saying danger, danger, danger. Right. And that, so in that is the safety instinct kicking in. But for a way, that’s for a situation. That’s a very dangerous versus we can survive embarrassment.

[00:19:31] Susanne: yes.

[00:19:32] Amy: We can survive trying something out and saying, oh yeah. Ooh, that book launched.

Didn’t go well, okay, next time I’m going to do XYZ. We can survive that.

[00:19:41] Susanne: Yeah. Oh, I’m so curious to draw a Missy.

[00:19:44] Amy: Oh

[00:19:44] Missy: know I want to draw it. And I just thinking about, I have had this confused, I think, in my life for a long time and hearing you explaining it this way, I’m already. Seeing things differently because I think I have avoided finishing this book. Well, not finishing, I wrote a draft, but rewriting it and sitting out to the world because my inner critic was confusing me.

Like I was imagining that any failure would kill me, which is not, I mean, that’s just not true. Like if I try to get this book published and it never gets published, at least I wrote it. Whereas right now it’s just a, you know, one terrible draft sitting there with nothing. That’s that feels a lot worse to me than actually putting it out there and maybe not seeing it go anywhere, but I was confused listening to the

[00:20:34] Amy: Right. And what harm is the inner critic trying to protect you from?

[00:20:38] Missy: yeah, like embarrassment, right? Like embarrassment and whatever. Like if it’s a bad book, it’s a bad book. Well,

[00:20:44] Amy: Right. And let’s say it’s a bad book and no one likes it. Great. Now I’ve got the start of my second book, which is, this is what happens when you put yourself out there and, or whatever it is, but it might be a launching pad for something else.

But what it’s keeping you from is, is, , showcasing your gift with the world. Like you have something to say and people don’t get to see it because your inner critic’s like, Nope, sorry. Yeah.

[00:21:09] Missy: it’s been sitting there undone and it doesn’t feel good. And, but admitting that it doesn’t feel good was hard. And then admitting that I was not doing it out of fear is hard. But hearing you talk about those conflicting voices makes a lot of sense to me.

[00:21:24] Susanne: Yes.

[00:21:25] Missy: need to draw my little,

[00:21:27] Susanne: I know.

[00:21:29] Amy: And if you’re,

[00:21:29] Missy: picturing gritty.

Do you need a gritty that isn’t Philadelphia, the

[00:21:33] Amy: gosh. Yes. Yes.

[00:21:35] Missy: For some reason, I keep picturing gritty as

[00:21:40] Susanne: I think that’s it then.

[00:21:42] Amy: That’s awesome.

[00:21:43] Missy: you’re talking about it. I just see an orange fuzzy monster. I

[00:21:46] Amy: no, that’s awesome. Well, and one it’s going to make you laugh too. So you’re going to say, oh, that’s my inner critic. And it’s something that’s bringing humor into it. It’s not a bad thing because you’re like, oh my gosh. Okay. Yes. Thank you gritty. But yeah, you can name it. You can name your inner critic.

Um, if you’re not someone who draws, you can write down the characteristics of it of just saying, oh, this person is, you know, this is how it sounds. This is what the voice is just to you again, you want to get clear on, it’s not you, it’s this inner critic voice. And so however you need to do it. Um, sometimes it sounds like someone from our lives

[00:22:19] Missy: yeah.

[00:22:20] Amy: and that’s tricky too.

Um, cause we hear and we associate with that person and again,

[00:22:26] Susanne: You just put a picture of that person that’s above your computer.

[00:22:29] Missy: And if they happen to come over, you’re like, oh,

[00:22:33] Amy: I look at you every day. yeah. And so I will say.

[00:22:39] Missy: to put people’s pictures around my computer, because if they ever hear this and come over, they’re going to be like, oh,

[00:22:44] Amy: Am I your inner critic? Like what’s happening? Um, yeah. And so it’s, again, it’s just one be aware of it to depersonalize it. And that’s what the drawing or the naming, or just depersonalize it. Um, if you’re an auditory person, try to associate a song with it, it could be a goofy song, but something, when you hear your inner critic speak, and then you hear a tune because it can also cut the message to say, okay, now I need to, this is my inner critic.

Let’s investigate. It’s not me. So for some people are auditory, some people are very tactical. And so if you imagine a big old time radio and taking the knob and just turning down the voice for some people, they want to do a movement. Um, I will say if you’re in a meeting and you’re hearing your inner critic, don’t speak up, don’t say anything in the meeting.

And then you reach out and turn down an imaginary dial. Well, I might look at you funny because not quite sure what you’re doing. So in that case pick a different movement. But, um, but for some people it’s a movement

[00:23:45] Susanne: just do a slider bar with your toe or something.

[00:23:47] Amy: yeah, something, something that people aren’t going, I’m sorry what’s happening.

I mean,

[00:23:53] Susanne: You see my arm out here in zoom.

[00:23:56] Amy: turning it down. Um, but just find what works for you, but, but depersonalize it so that you understand it’s not, you it’s, it’s another voice. Um, yeah. And then you see, so two things not to do, I will share with you, um, do not argue with your inner critic. There’s no arguing, you’re arguing with a safety manifestation.

Like if you’re like, I, you know, you shouldn’t write that book. Yes, I should. No, one’s going to read it. Yes, they will. No, you’re going to, I mean, there’s nothing their inner critic, your integration, I keep going and it’s, it’s not going to serve you all of a sudden. Now you’re just deflated and you’re listening to this voice that don’t argue with it.

Um,

[00:24:33] Missy: like arguing with a toddler.

[00:24:34] Amy: And no getting angry. It is like a toddler. If someone, I mean the inner critic scared, right? It’s it’s fear. It’s trying to keep you safe. So when you yell at some someone who’s afraid, what does that do to them?

That doesn’t help the situation at all. So if you think about again, no arguing, no angry, Getting curious, what harm are you trying to protect me from? Some of my clients come up with a response that is not an argument, but you can come up with a response and affirmation, back to the inner critic, which is just a statement.

That’s, um, an I am statement or I choose that’s how I would start it. So

[00:25:11] Missy: Hmm.

[00:25:12] Amy: I choose to complete this project. I choose to share my gift with the world, right? You shouldn’t send this out. You’re going to, you, shouldn’t send out this book, draft people, you’re going to, it’s going to fail and I choose to be brave, or I choose to send my gift out to the world, or I am brave and I am, or I choose.

So you can come up with your affirmation. That’s and again, you’re not arguing with it. You’re just stating back to the, I am brew. I choose to do this. I choose to take the risk.

[00:25:41] Missy: I like that.

[00:25:42] Susanne: I do too.

[00:25:44] Missy: Kind of got a flutter.

[00:25:45] Susanne: know I got my little hairs on my arm, went bloop. Uh, I really love that. So I, I noticed on your website and I just really loved it. And you’d already kind of talked a little bit about this, the idea of aligning our heads, hearts and guts. And I think that a lot of what , you’ve been talking about in terms of silencing the inner critic does a lot of those things.

But just because I do think it’s such an interesting topic, if there’s anything else that you have a recommendation or long, that idea of aligning our instincts, I just want to make sure we have an opportunity to share those with listeners, because I just think that sounds, that sounds super important.

Like it’s just a real big goal.

[00:26:25] Amy: yeah, it’s a lot harder than you think, right? You say it out loud. You’re like, of course I’m going to align all three of those things. No, we don’t do that. Um, we oftentimes start with our head and I would say, don’t start with your head because guess what? We’re very smart. And we can make plans for anything.

So if we start with our head and say, well, that can’t work because here’s my mortgage and here’s my commute time and here’s this. So those things don’t work. If we, if we start there, we’re shutting things down. But if we, if we start with our wisdom of, of our knowing voice of what , we want to do, what we know is in alignment with our purpose.

, so if we start with our wisdom and we connect it to our values, and I do a lot of work with my clients on their values and what’s most important to them. and , I haven’t been doing an exercise where they, they pick the, the 10 values up to 10 that are the most important to them.

And I have them define those values because let’s say one of my top values, as you know, one of my top values is integrity. And I say, you know that because when I went back to my story about my daughter and saying, oh, I can’t be in integrity with what I say to her. If I make this choice. And integrity with my family’s important to me, but you know, if integrity is important to me or creativity, I have to define what that means to me, because what creativity means to me is different from Missy is different for Susanne, and if that’s one of your values, so getting clear on your value and then defining it, and we have to do a values exercise. many times in our lives, there are some core values that we’ve had with us forever. That’s wonderful, but when life changes, so do our values. Um, and so you have to revisit them and sometimes we’re living life, we’re trying to make these decisions, right? We’re trying to go to our heart and make the decisions from our values, but those were our old values. especially when it comes to career related things, it’s like, well, no, I value stability and I value, you know, salary and I value X and it’s like, oh wait, hold on. I actually value now flexibility and family. And so you just, again, you’re going to make a decision based on those values, make sure you’ve done the work just to reevaluate, see where you’re at and really look at your top few values.

And so again, you’re starting with your wisdom, your knowing voice, then going to your values and what makes sense. And then once you’ve decided what’s going to make sense, go to your head because like I said, your head is smart. You can take that choice now and see if the plan can work. But if we start and try to go top down, it’s much harder to align yourself.

[00:28:48] Susanne: I have never thought of it that way, but that makes so much sense. That makes so much sense. But I always start with the head and the head talks me out of all the other things. So I, when we talk about the values exercise and choosing those, um, I mean, Missy and I have done one actually for the podcast, cause we’ve had to make some tough decisions about some guests that weren’t necessarily in alignment, not necessarily in the stuff that they were teaching, but.

There, there were some reasons, um, as far as our activism and things that we believe in our lives, we just didn’t want to give a platform. So, so we’ve done. It

[00:29:25] Missy: decision to

[00:29:26] Susanne: it is so hard, but it was this integrity of, you know, if we say these are the values that we believe in, then we need to carry that through to the podcast as well.

But I, I just went through values, exercise myself yesterday, as literally, it was just Googling. It was Googling like values exercise,

[00:29:48] Amy: Yeah.

[00:29:49] Susanne: we’ve we had a guest who came through and actually did a really great ex you know, kind of walk through like, you know, you get the list, you pick the ones that make the most sense to you. And then you group those values into like value sets. And then you go through each of the list and you pick kind of like the representative word for each of the categories, and then you put a verb against it to make an action statement out of it.

So. Through that process that we had gone through with her. you know, and there’s all kinds of lists that you can find. I picked a Brene brown one, cause it seems like she would have it, but the different lists have different values listed on them. But does that sound like in general? I mean, that’s a very diluted version of what happens, but does that sound like what you mean by a values exercise or do you have a different spin on it?

[00:30:38] Amy: And there’s, there’s tons of values exercises. So I’m glad you Googled it because you will come up with something that makes sense for you. Um, a lot of times I bring my clients through their past, up to their future. So I’ll have them go back over their life and just think about if you’re writing a book on your life, right?

These are the chapter headings. What were the significant events, both positive and negative over your life, and then reflect back and say, what values were missing and those negative events that made that event negative for me and in the positive ones, what values were present that made it such a positive experience for me?

. So then once you’re done, you can start to see patterns emerge of like, oh, I really need freedom. Like freedom is I’m seeing that in a couple of places, like freedom is really important to me and I, if I had to do, you know, the Stephen Covey rocks in a jar

[00:31:27] Missy: Yeah. We just talked about that

[00:31:29] Susanne: we love the rocks in a

[00:31:30] Amy: So, right. So if you’re thinking about your values in that way, like what three values do I need to have in my jar to make sure that I’m living my life in purpose and in the way I want to, I just gave you two very distinct exercises there to think about it, but really I have them go over their life.

And from there I have them choose their values from, I have a list. Of course, everyone has a list. Brene list is wonderful. Uh, very comprehensive of course, because she

[00:31:55] Susanne: Because she’s Brene.

[00:31:56] Amy: she’s a preteen. She knows, she knows all this. Um, and it’s it’s really. And then when you get your list, I always have people prioritize it, like really. You could have 10 values, which I have, my clients could do up to 10, but you can’t lead with 10 values. And it’s what are the ones that if they get stepped on or they get, you know, or they’re not present, you just, you can’t be with, um, you know, one of the things I said when I was making the decision to leave a full-time job that had stability, right.

Had health insurance had money coming in, was the integrity piece, but it was also creativity for me. And while I was able to be creative, somewhat in my, my job, I was in a box of like, here’s where your creativity needs to live. Like you can be creative, but within this box, and I really wanted to create a freedom to be able to develop what I wanted to develop.

And I wanted time. I wanted freedom of time and flexibility to be able to say, okay, I’m going to choose to do this at this time. And no one’s going to tell me, I’m sorry, you only get a 45 minute lunch. So that’s not going to work for you. For me, those, those were really key. and many of them still are today.

So again, look back over your life that might help you have your list. You’re defining it. Really ask the question, cause it’s going to, when you prioritize it and then ask the question, but if this gets stepped on, what’s the impact. And for some people it’s like, oh, maybe that’s a value. Number five. Maybe that is, that gets stepped on.

I’ll be okay. So those are the key things I would want you to do, with the values list that you have just to, just to check it.

[00:33:24] Missy: Yeah. I feel like honesty is key here, and I think we’ve protected ourselves for so long, whether we’re listening to the wrong voice or, just filled with some sort of fear or anxiety. Like sometimes it’s hard to really get honest with yourself. So if you have a client who’s trying to go through this process.

Can you see when they’re maybe struggling with telling themselves the truth and if so, how do you help them shed what they need to shed?

[00:33:53] Amy: That’s really interesting. I have a client story that is perfect for that question. And this is not even planned. Um, I had a couple of sessions with a client. I was getting to know her. We were talking about her career and where she was moving and, and what she wanted. And then I had him do the values exercise.

And I swear when I read the values, I’m like, oh, I must be reading a different client’s values list. I must’ve gotten something mixed up because it did not reflect our prior conversations. Well, this is interesting. And so she came in for her session and that’s the, that’s where I told her, I tell my clients, I will be honest with them.

I’ll say. And I said, when I read this list, it doesn’t sound like you.

[00:34:34] Susanne: Yeah.

[00:34:36] Amy: and, but that was enough for her to say, well, no, this is what my parents, and this is someone who was in her forties. So this is not a 20 year old. And she said, no, this is what my parents value and what was holding her back. From making a move because she was doing her values work.

She was just trying to be in alignment, but she was using someone else’s values.

[00:34:58] Missy: Yeah.

[00:34:59] Amy: And of course she was stuck

[00:35:01] Missy: Right,

[00:35:02] Amy: she’s like, I’m going here. And then it pulls you back. No peer your values. And so I made her do the exercise again. I suggested she do the exercise again. I don’t force anyone. I highly suggested she do it again.

And she did. And with a freedom and this, again, it was almost as though that conversation gave her permission to say, right, those are my parents and I, and I’m ready. And she was ready to say, these are my parents’ values and I’m ready to put them down and put them away and define for myself. Then it was a really defining moment.

So yes, it’s. We are very good at not being honest with ourselves. We can sell ourselves a whole lot of stories. Um, and when you have that person, whether it’s a coach or a really good friend, but someone who calls you on it, It’s not easy. It’s not fun. And it’s necessary.

[00:35:53] Missy: Yeah.

[00:35:54] Susanne: Yep. Oh my gosh. So good. So good. Oh my gosh. I have so many more questions I want to ask, but we’re getting word.

[00:36:02] Missy: yeah, we’re already

[00:36:03] Susanne: I know we are starting to run out of time,

[00:36:06] Amy: gosh, I could talk about this forever. This

[00:36:09] Susanne: know we

[00:36:10] Amy: I

[00:36:10] Missy: how, you know, you’re in the right job. Like you love talking about it.

[00:36:14] Amy: I will tell you when I first started coaching, I set a timer on my phone. That gives me about a one minute warning before we have to wrap up , so we can make sure that we’ve finished everything.

[00:36:24] Susanne: Yes.

[00:36:25] Amy: And I thought I’ll just need it for the first year I coach it’s just kind of a crutch. No, I get so involved with my clients stories and we are engaged that sometimes it feels like five minutes and my alarm’s going off and it’s been 50 minutes already. And I think my gosh, so I still have to use it because when you’re present and in that with someone time ceases to exist like today, I can’t believe what time it is.

[00:36:45] Missy: I know. I know. I just looked at this counter. I was like, oh wow.

[00:36:48] Susanne: And you know what, and I’m realizing that the rest of the questions I have for you are actually kind of in another. Category. Um, so maybe we can talk you into coming back again someday to talk about them, um, because what, what I’m really interested in also getting your feedback on, even though you coach executives.

Um, we talked to a lot of former executives who have taken extended career breaks to be home with kids, or maybe due to COVID have realigned some of their values and are trying to figure out how to go from executive to maybe, you know, a little less executive or trying to look at what that career looks like are different kinds of executives.

So I think we could have a whole episode just dedicated to like the pre during and post life of an executive and how they can think about their career, uh, across a continuum. Um, and not just in a particular point. So.

[00:37:44] Amy: Right. And, and career is not linear. Right. We tend to think of career as linear and it isn’t, um, I mean, I suppose it is for some people, but that’s not how life works for most people. Yes. And getting comfortable with that. And yeah, I would be happy to come back and chat about that. There’s so much to say there.

Yeah, absolutely.

[00:38:01] Susanne: So we’re teasing that episode.

[00:38:03] Amy: Whew.

[00:38:05] Susanne: I know for anybody here. Yeah. You probably, people don’t know that it took us three tries to schedule this interview. So yeah. We’ll

[00:38:12] Missy: start now and get something done. Yeah,

[00:38:15] Amy: I think I’m free.

[00:38:17] Susanne: Oh, well that is terrific. So, okay. So people who are, this is probably going to be airing in December. So people are going to probably be thinking about new year’s resolutions and, you know, starting 2022 fresh.

So we are very much hoping that people will be reaching out to you and learning more about you and, um, getting to work with you. So do you do seminars or events or primarily, is it one-on-one, what’s the best way for people to work with you and.

[00:38:45] Amy: Yes. So, so many things I need to tell you, one thing on thinking about a fresh start with the new year, I will say here’s homework. Um, think about one to three words of how you want 20, 22 to three. Not goals of what you’re going to do. I just, how do you want it to feel and just get that set, because that’s going to be a nice touchstone for you throughout the year.

So I will say that. And then I’ll also say pick your song for 20 to 20, 22, whatever. Again, back to those feeling words, find a song that, and then you can play that song throughout the year, especially on days that aren’t going very well. And just remind yourself. So pick your song for your journey, pick your feeling, words I have to say that because

[00:39:27] Missy: that’s good. Homework.

[00:39:29] Amy: it’s an exercise that I like to do.

Not about resolutions that we will fail at within the first 15 days. It’s about how I want the year to feel. Okay. Um, I am excited. So I’m doing a lot more group work now than I ever have because what I’ve I used to, I do one-on-one work. Absolutely. And I used to think, gosh, I wish my clients would meet each other because I had such amazing clients that are like, I want them to meet each other.

So I am doing, um, for those women who are in VP or director level positions right now, I do have a program starting in January. That’s a , women leaders program. It’s 10 months, it’s virtual. So you can be anywhere in the U S um, we’re kind of coming into the U S right now, just in terms of time zone changes, but it’s, it’s a 10 month program that , your company would sponsor you for.

Um, so it’s 10 months, you get executive coaching, you get workshops, you meet incredible women and I’d get to help. Foster collective wisdom. And that’s, that’s what I want to do going forward. And then if you’re an entrepreneur, , I’m also starting a mastermind in January for entrepreneurs. So female entrepreneurs might my cohorts going to be female with this one.

I may have subsequent groups, but my it be female entrepreneurs. And that’s going to kick off in January as well. And it’s a mastermind where you meet once a month for three hours. And you get to talk about your business challenges. I like to call the mastermind, your extended board of directors, cause it’s eight to 10 women who really care about your business.

Want to offer you perspectives, want to help you through your challenges. So I also get to do that. So I’ll be doing that in January in addition to one-on-one coaching.

[00:40:55] Susanne: Oh, wow.

[00:40:56] Amy: Yeah.

[00:40:56] Missy: And is your website the best place

[00:40:58] Amy: oh yes. And yes, go coach wolfgang.com. You’ll have information on my programs. You can get ahold of me, um, connect with me on LinkedIn.

That’s another good place for me. So I’m there as well.

[00:41:11] Susanne: Perfect. And we will put all those links in the show notes on the website and, uh, wherever you listen to the podcasts. So

[00:41:17] Missy: Yeah.

[00:41:18] Susanne: Yay. Oh my gosh. I am overflowing with information.

[00:41:22] Missy: I know,

[00:41:23] Susanne: know I I’ve, I’ve been tempted

[00:41:25] Missy: to like, listen again while we do

[00:41:26] Susanne: I know, but yes, I know it. And I’d love to do our look list and learns too, because as much amazing information as you have around coaching, we want to give listeners an opportunity to learn a little bit more about what you do in your, in your spare time or with your look, listening, learning.

So do you have anything that you have been, or watching or reading or learning about that you want to share?

[00:41:48] Amy: Um, I have just finished a book called boundary boss by Terry Cole. I don’t know if you’ve heard this one

[00:41:57] Susanne: no, I have not.

[00:41:59] Amy: I try to get really good at setting boundaries and I’ve done an okay job, but then sometimes. We start to feel resentment. I don’t know if that happens to you and whatever. I feel resentment. I realized that I did not adhere to a boundary that I’d set.

I allowed someone to break a boundary and the resentment was always at myself. Right. But that’s the feeling that I know that I’m like, oh, resentment. Okay. There was a boundary issue. So I thought I’m just going to pick up this book and see what Terry has to say. And, oh my gosh. Um, I love her book for so many reasons, but I’ll tell you if she tries to help you get to the root of your boundary issues.

Oh, I have. Let me tell you two of the things that stuck out for me, she said under the guise of being caring or a caregiver, we may find ourselves over-giving over-functioning and overextended. It’s oh,

[00:42:49] Missy: Susanne and and I

[00:42:50] Amy: both are like.

because we’re many of us are caregivers. I mean, we care. And that’s how we express our love and for people and oh,

[00:43:00] Susanne: Yes.

[00:43:02] Amy: that piece. So, um, so she gets to some of the roots of what is going on there. Um, oh, and then she talks about how our boundaries are invisible, but we have, and we have to establish them with words and actions.

So a lot of times we set our boundaries in our heads, right. We’re like, we’re very clear, but if we haven’t said that to people and we don’t act within those boundaries, then they’re invisible and people are crossing those lines all the time.

[00:43:24] Susanne: Yes. That’s so funny. Cause one of my look lists and learns is going to be about my new curtains up in my office because I have, I don’t have doors. I’ve got a little tiny office that is supposed to be a dining room and it has, you know, two doorways with no doors. And, you know, people will just come walk in through there.

Even it’s not a shortcut to the kitchen, but for some reason the dog uses it to get to the kitchen. My son will just pop in. Um, so I went and got these $50 pair of curtains. They are the brightest yellow that you will ever see these, you cannot miss them if they are closed or closed.

[00:44:02] Amy: See inactions. Well, I’ll tell you during COVID when my, all of a sudden we were all, you know, at school and then my husband was at an office and I was at an office and all of a sudden we were all in the same house together. Um, and I had client calls and I was like, I cannot be disturbed during client calls.

And I had to make a stop sign type thing outside my door. And it said, enter if it was green, if they were always on green, yellow knock, but then you can enter it in red was, do not enter. And I’m like, okay, I’m very clear when it’s on red, do not enter.

[00:44:29] Susanne: Yes,

[00:44:30] Amy: At some point, my kids decided that they were gonna start shoving notes under my door.

So they weren’t entering. They were like, I’m adhering to your boundary. I’m not entering. And then I’m wanting to client, I’m seeing like paper flying by and I’m like, so I had to reestablish the boundaries, do not enter me

[00:44:48] Susanne: no. Yes, no. Foreign objects may enter this room.

[00:44:54] Amy: So

[00:44:54] Missy: I had to say don’t even knock because the knock would be distracting and also worry me. Like they know I’m busy. So if they’re knocking, they must really need me, you know, it

[00:45:05] Amy: but now they’re just knocking for it. Yeah. Just to

[00:45:07] Missy: Yeah, there’s nothing like, do you know where dad is?

[00:45:09] Amy: Right.

[00:45:11] Missy: Go find him

[00:45:12] Amy: He’s here somewhere. Oh my

[00:45:14] Missy: houses? Not that large. You can find him.

[00:45:17] Amy: And you can find him more quickly than asking me this question. So go. Yes. Um, well, and the last thing I will say on this book that I love about Terry is she gives you scripts for setting boundaries.

So if you’re someone who’s like, well, that all sounds great, but I don’t know how to set a boundary. She gives you wording statements,

[00:45:35] Susanne: Love that.

[00:45:37] Amy: And obviously when I get something like that, I’m like, it’s great because then I can make it my own. But sometimes starting is the hardest part. Like, I don’t know what I would say.

And it’s like, oh, if someone said, we’ll try this. And you’re like, I’m not quite that, but I’ll change that. So very, so Susanne you’ll love that because there’s actions like it’s very tactical and she helps you get to the root of it. Highly recommend Boundary boss that’s and I just finished that. I’m on to, I don’t know what’s next.

So I I’m trying to do the 52 books in a year.

[00:46:06] Susanne: Oh, good for you.

[00:46:07] Amy: I’m not going to accomplish it, but I set the goal

[00:46:10] Susanne: Only 50 more to go by December.

[00:46:14] Amy: speed reading. Um, I’ll um, um, I did more than if I hadn’t set the goal. I’ll put it out that way, but, um, yeah.

[00:46:22] Susanne: Yeah. You’re making advancement towards the goal. Oh, wonderful. Oh, that’s a great one. What about you, Missy? You got any look, lesson learned.

[00:46:31] Missy: I do, but let me remind myself where they are. Okay. So I mentioned at the top of the show that I had a test to study for, so master gardener is almost over. It has been 16 weeks. We’re not quite at that 16, I guess next week is that our test is this week

[00:46:46] Susanne: that went fast for me.

[00:46:47] Missy: it for you.

[00:46:49] Susanne: I have nothing to do with it.

[00:46:52] Missy: so it really did actually go fast. I mean, when I looked at it in the beginning, I’m like 16 weeks of classes. Very excessive. Um, but yeah, it’s almost over and I have to take a test tomorrow. I haven’t taken a test in a long time. I think, I mean, it’s a volunteer program essentially. And so I don’t think it’s going to be a hardcore serious test.

I have a feeling if I need to look at my notes, I might be able to, but I’m going in prepared that I can’t. So, um, yeah, so I’m relearning how to study. Haven’t done it in a long time, so that’s my learn. Um, and then I just started reading the Lincoln highway by, uh, I think it’s Amor, Amor Towles. Did anyone read the rules of civility? The rules of civility is one of my all time favorite books. I highly recommend it. So this is the same author and I’m actually listening to it. I said, I was reading it, but I’m listening and I’m not super far in, but already it’s just beautiful writing. That’s the kind of writing that makes me think I should not listen to this while I’m in the middle of NaNoWriMo national novel writing month because it gets in my head and I’m like, I could never achieve this inner critic.

[00:47:59] Amy: I was just like,

[00:48:00] Missy: gritty.

[00:48:02] Amy: to come. Dizzy gritty has emerged.

[00:48:04] Susanne: Yes.

[00:48:05] Missy: it’s beautiful. So I highly recommend it. It’s, he’s an amazing storyteller and, um, that and rules of civility, both of them great reads. Um, and then I have products to share today and then I will stop talking. so this is my go-to, I’m holding it up, but it’s Elta MD, the light is so weird. Anyway, Elta MD UV restore, broad spectrum, SPF 40.

I’ve been wearing it every day for a while now. So I waited to share it, but it has been my go-to since probably June ish, but stuff I’m aware it instead of any kind of foundation or anything, and it stays on and stays put, and I did not get sunburned while

[00:48:44] Susanne: Is it tinted or is it just, oh,

[00:48:48] Missy: have an untinted, but this is tinted.

And then I usually throw a little of this on top of it. And it’s the Charlotte Tilbury. I think Tilbury is how you say it. Anyway. Hollywood flawless filter. Me and Hollywood. Um, but I mean, a couple dots I’ve seen, I watched a video about this and the person like put it all over their face. I think that would